"The Gospel According to Miscavige"

1 THEN the thirty years of plenty and roaming the high seas came to an end, and thirty years of famine set in.

2 The land was barren, and nothing flourished, and no glory came upon the $cilons. And King David of Clam was angry.

3 And the $cilons saw the glory of their neighbours to the east, the Thetanless and Underground Bunkaroos, and they saw the wealth of the Philistines of Pharma in the south, who were of the house of Smersh. Anonymous were those who opposed them and mocked and degraded them

4 Then the $cilons suffered bitterly, and grievously did they pity themselves.

5 For the people had come in times past unto the old Lord, wailing and rending their garments, which were made from clam shells.

6 And the Lord Hubris said, "Why are you come before me, crying and wailing? Wherefore do you rend your garments that are made from shells?"

7 And the people cried, "Behold, 0 Lord, we suffer bitterly, and rashes cover us like a plague of Niacin.

8 For Thou hast brought wealth upon the Philistines of Pharma, and glory to the Thetanless; but in Thy volcanic anger Thou hast forsaken us $cilons, who were once blessed in Thy sight."

9 But the Lord replied, "How is it that have I have forsaken you, when I have poured such bounty without mutiny and celebrity centred upon your heads?"

10 But the people looked about them and saw no riches, nor the shining trophies of battle.All they could see were bills and bankruptcy and the Lord's shiny medals of stolen valour and big shiny temples full of idols, hence their name Idol Temples. And they protested unto the old Lord, "Where is this bounty then, 0 Lord, of which Thou speakest?"

11 But the people wept, and they no longer had faith in the Lord, and banished him from their sight to a caravan in Creston. And his hair was random and wild, his nails unkempt and his ravings strange.

12 And the Lord went even from that place, fleeing before the infidels. Solace found he in Vistaril but the Dark Angel took him in the night. Upon a funeral pyre was his body burned and his ashes cast unto the deep. For the earth refused him.

13 And the new Lord came from far away in the East, out of a barren place called the New Jersey Barrens. And the new Lord said "Yea, the bounty of the Lord is as the rain, that is drained into the sands of the desert. For it is all gone on the likes of shoe-lifts and pompadours. Yea, and cobblers and tailors and spirits"

14 And the new Lord said that He would lead the people to salvation.

15 Then the people bent over before him, and were overjoyed, and they raised their voices in praise, saying, "We're sorted now. We're going to win the war."

16 Now it had come to pass in this time that they greatly exalted the prophet Marty, who was their general.

17 For under his rule they fought in a battle of many notions and motions, and in the land of Luddites before the Web grew, they strove against the IRS and the ARS. And a Wise Beard Man came there to call for justice. But the new Lord had a feral cunning and vast riches and did suborn justice.

18 And lo, though they were almost destroyed, they fought back and vanquished the enemy in their sterile imaginations.

19 Then the $cilons made an idol of King David, Clam of Sod, and cried out that he was the saviour, and by his mighty sword they would come forth from the land.

20 But in the end He drank a fifth.

21 When they saw that the might of the $cilons was nigh restored, all the tribes trembled.

22 But on the Fringes of a vast Web of Conspiracy gathered there Anonymous and Apostates who were bitter and defrocked and they did not tremble: they were crafty, and in their wisdom they sent a madness upon the Champion of Bivalves.

23 Then King David of the Dildo became as a man who dreams, speaking in tongues and seeing visions.

24 And he squandered the wealth of the people on lame and useless servants.

25 For he brought to their camp men and women such as John of Allender and Jenny the Djinn of Lin's Son. And he brought Squirrelbusters, who had settled south of the land of Al-Amo and in the City of Angles; and they were Lax and did Babble, in honour of which babbling, men built a tower.

26 And he brought many, many more, lawyers and spies, by the baker's dozen and by the despot's dozen.

27 And soon King Clam, David of the Barrens, feared to venture forth, lest he be vanquished, but exhorted his servants only to defend the camp.

28 Then all the tribes came to loathe the $cilons, and laugh at them, because they were so boring and like unto white bread and deluded.

29 So the people came before the Lord and said, "Why don't Ye bring further glory to the people?'

30 And the Lord replied, "Behold, ye have given unto me millions and millions of shekels. But in my folly, I have come up short. For I hath spent it on Idol Temples throughout the farthest reaches , unto the Antipodes and Bulawayo. And lo, I hath squandered it in the Windy City and the Land of Sunder, even unto the Valley flowing with Bilk and Money. Now the bounty of the Lord is gone, for I hath spunked it on utter dross."

31 But the people were not satisfied, and they wrote screeds of righteous indignation, and kept saying things about 'fraud' and con tracts. And took they then in their thousands unto blogs and protests and books and journals, even unto moving pictures.

32 So the Lord cast out many, and sent for His prophets who gave profit, the best of his regs, which are like unto sharks and ravenous wolves, renowned for their steady gripping hands and their outstretched arms and their good relations with the remaining pod of cetaceans. And they staunched the hemorrhage of gold and greatly pressed those in the pod through blackmail and lies.

33 But the ordinary people were in mourning: they had loved themselves as greatly as Narcissus and did pity themselves also.

34 For they were blind to their former madness, seeing only their triumph against the Revenuers of Inland years before.

35 And King David was as a man incensed for he stank and had the rank, being rank, and the $cilons lost countless battles.

36 And the people went berserk, and threatened to come into the house of the Lord and press him with suits and legal imbroglios.

37 And it came to pass that They were skint, and soon the moneylenders drove Them from the temple.

38 And yet no another Lord came among the $cilons and He sacrificed many with wailing and gnashing of thieves and lamented the old King who had lead the $cilons a full score years before.

39 Then the few remaining people rejoiced, and cried, "Right, this time we are pure sorted. We're going unto the Promised Land."

40 And there was laughter across the land. Then did they set sail in their ship. And the way that ship was was that it was 47 cubits in length and 47 cubits was it's width. And in height was it also 47 cubits. For 47 was the number, not more nor less, since that number pleaseth the Lord.

41 And the water was not clear, clear water was it not, and the Sea did swallow them up.

42 For their Ark was worse than their byte. So sayeth the Lord.

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